Happy Wednesday, folks.

I am practicing something new.

Over the last year, I’ve been making big changes.

Around authenticity, developing deeper personal relationships, being transparent with money, and tweaking my volume knob.

I took on two other big changes in the last few months – but they are cosmetic and girlie so I’ll save them for another time {wink}.

What I’m playing manhunt with today involves fear – which for me is deep-down insecurity.

In the past, I’ve maintained some distance from people so that they could not hurt my heart.

I have opted-out of opportunities because I did not want to look silly smacking my rosy cheeks on the pavement.

{Please tell me I’m not the only one.}

In the past, I would fight, run, get loud, and/or hide in my closet when I was scared.  Yes, I’ve even been known to do all four of those things at times.

Which meant that…

…if I yelled at you during a fight before I loudly stormed upstairs and away from you in order to safely stow myself in my closet – it should have been pretty clear – I was scared.

Of course, it doesn’t look like that if you’re seeing it happen.  It looks bats**t.  And I’ve been told as much.

So I learned that those things didn’t work.

That being said, what I am still challenged with fear-based doing is making decisions when I am scared.

In the past, when I’ve been scared, I’ve made decisions that…

…changed the course of my life.

…relocated my family.

…racked up debt.

…effected my nest-egg.

…made it final.

…ended a relationship.

I noticed it.  I saw what I was doing.

And so now when I get scared, the only decision that I recognize I should make is to stop what I’m doing.

I get fresh air and chat with God.  I ask my family or friends if they can hear me out while I bear my soul.

Yes, I’m still practicing.  And yes, I’m getting better at it.

Because what I realized is that I was trying to handle my fears alone.  And my mind spun tails about why this or that was happening to me.  And man, that screwed with my head.

I told myself that I was just a private person.

I was lying.

I was scared.  Because I was feeling insecure about what would happen if I shared that part of me with my girlfriend, my parents, or a stranger.

I had to let it go.  And with that, I started telling myself a new story.

And it went something like this:

I am a good person.  And I am surrounded by lovely people who would stop the world from spinning {if they could} to help me  So I am going to open myself up and let them know more about me.

And now they know – from my own lips – that not seeing the twins every day they are with their dad is very difficult for me.

That I use to overspend in order to squash some not-so-pretty feelings I had.

That my partnership with Domenick has shortcomings.

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And in the same moment I wrote that line, we were tested.  I won’t bore you with the fireworks, but suffice it to say that I just got scared.

I felt something in direct opposition with my partner.   Our bedroom floor covered in eggshells, we were forced to spill our truths.  And I needed some breathing room.  I went outside.  Got fresh air.  Thought.

It took less than ten minutes for me to lay it down with God.

I didn’t do it perfectly – I lost my cool in front of Alex, I wasn’t clear with Colin and Sam about how I was feeling and that added anxiety into their evening, and I said a couple of things that were not valuable.

But I didn’t tell myself a story.  And I didn’t put myself in a timeout.

This particular bump in my life is here to stop me in my tracks and make me understand how flippin important it is to me.  How deeply I believe in what my gut feels.

Let me give some sandwich observations if I may.

Domenick and I have lots of good in our life.

We are like sandpaper about one, very general, parenting issue.

We have always gotten through it bigger and better.

{Dagwood would be proud.}

With that said, however, the “one, very general, parenting issue” has been surfacing on a daily basis for the last few weeks.  To be clear, it’s not that we feel completely differently about the topic, it’s that we have very different lines around it.

The differences around those lines have rubbed us both in the wrong direction instead of refining our quality and luster.  Instead of feeling bigger and better, I feel – well, not.

It popping up more frequently is a sign, to me anyway, that God is saying – “Hello, pay attention to this.  It’s not sitting right with you.  Why?”

I have no interest in being right.

I do believe I’m on the right track with this though.

I am open-minded to next steps other than the ones I’ve proposed.

What I am sure of is that the way we’re doing it – isn’t working.

And with that, I’ve noticed that sometimes if I’m not careful, that freaks me out for the wrong reasons.

I’ll back up.

The right reason is that behind my bellybutton, in my gut, I believe that how I feel, on this particular topic, is the healthiest way to grow, develop, and launch the kids.  Maybe I’m wrong…maybe my gut is just nudging a chance.  I’m doing my darndest to listen.

My Juicy Glad-I-Caught-That:  “Intuitive guidance [however] is all about change.” – Caroline Myss

While our intentions for the boys are always the same, our methods are not.  And worse yet, as of late, they can sometimes undermine the other parent.

That’s the ugly truth of our struggle.

So I’m feeling safe and sound snuggled up in my bed, nearly asleep, when a monster jumps out from under my bed and scares the beejeebees out of me.

Boo.

Let me tell you the wrong reasons for why I’m scared [welcome to The Stories I Tell Myself]:

–       if I overstep with Alex, Domenick will remove him from my life

–       if I am wrong about my gut feeling, I will mess up Alex’s chances for success

–       if I mess this up with Alex, I will mess this up with Colin and Sam

–       if I was meant to be his mom, I would have been

Listen, all of these things [and then some!] are true to some extent, right?  But they aren’t the meat and potatoes of what is happening in this moment.  And thinking about them doesn’t help AT ALL.

Thinking about them makes me:

–       nod along with things I don’t aligned with

–       get twisted up about something arbitrary because I’m smooshing down my feelings about something important

–       concoct excuses

–       hope I’m wrong

Domenick has taught me much about nurturing, intimate listening, + doing things outside of the box as a parent.

And those things work for us.

But more importantly, they work for the kids.

The things that aren’t working for the kids – when I raise my voice, spend too much time staring at the computer, overspend, don’t set clear boundaries and expectations – I will not be afraid of facing.

Because they are wrong.

They don’t work for anyone – it isn’t just my kids – these types of things don’t work for your kids, and their kids, and those kids over there.  So, yes, sometimes I get scared as a parent.  And that’s okay because that is something I should be afraid of – consciously making a choice every day to do it one way, when my kids are shouting from the rooftops:  THIS ISN’T WORKING FOR ME.

So, I will sleep in peace with four specific reminders on my heart.

Don’t yell – when I talk to them softly, it helps them feel safe.

Turn off the computer – when I look their in the eyes, it helps them feel safe.

Spend, save, + gift wisely – showing them how to do these things will help them feel safe.

Set reasonable boundaries + high goals – giving their world a shape, helps them feel safe.

Sometimes I write my blog on Wednesday mornings immediately before hitting send.

And sometimes, I write them in a moment weeks before the mood strikes me to share that particular piece with you.

But tonight was no accident.

Thank you for being there when I felt scared.  It helped me feel safe.

To be continued…

See you on the flip-side.

In love,

Noelle

xoxox